food – New Zealand Chronicles

March 9, 2024March 13, 2024

BEHOLD THE WONDER!!! 🙌🏼

During a phone call with my sister last month, it somehow came up in conversation that New Zealand does not have something that most Americans consider to be one of the absolute staples of wholesome, delicious, nutritious American foods, beloved by generations of children across the United States.

My partner Stewart has two boys, who are 8 and 10 years old. I haven’t mentioned them in my writing thus far because although I absolutely adore them and they are a huge part of my life here, they’re not my children, and it’s certainly not my place to plaster them all over the internet. But because they are such a huge part of my life here, and because I have–as they say in NZ–“heaps” of great stories about them, I think it’s okay with all parents and children involved here if I make up names for them so that they can be a part of my story. They’re borderline obsessed with the Minions, so I shall henceforth refer to the 10 year old as Bob and the 8 year old as Kevin.

Yesterday I was sitting at the kitchen table, immersed–ironically–in researching the history of the New Zealand postal service for a future blog post, when a lovely NZ Post woman woman “rocked up” (Kiwi for “showed up”) at the open slider door and went “Hi there!” and I went “[insert horror movie-level scream]” (I startle easily). After apologizing, and mentioning with a chuckle that it happens to her constantly, she handed me a big box…..from Gillian. And I knew, I just knew, that my awesome sister had sent us a jar of this sacred American food.

The care package, addressed to all of us, was a veritable treasure trove of gifts. Gillian sent us State Park stickers and fake tattoos of trout (both acquired from a national conference that she, as a MA State Parks Supervisor, had recently attended), two sheets from her page-a-day true crime calendar (because what 8 and 10 year old doesn’t love true crime, right?? 😆 I’m guessing those were meant just for me), and two mini “SuperPets” figurines. Also enclosed was a pencil from the Birdwatcher’s General Store on Cape Cod, which you can only get by telling them a bird joke (my sister’s was “Why didn’t Mozart keep chickens? Because they were always saying BACH BACH BACH!”).

And she sent us Marcus! Marcus is a sweet, cuddly, super soft sloth that I found on Etsy and sent to my sister years ago, when we happened to be living far apart (though not this far apart) because Marcus has nice long arms for hugging. He’s settling right in to life in the Antipodes.

But the absolute star of the care package was……….

…………..wait for it…………..

…………..wait for it…………..

….. a ginormous jar of that wholesome, delicious, nutritious American food beloved by children across the States:

DURKEE’S MARSHMALLOW FLUFF.

It’s true: they do not have marshmallow fluff in New Zealand (hey, I said it’s an amazing country; I never said it was a perfect country).

My sister enclosed a note regarding the ingredients required to make a proper fluffernutter sandwich:

1. The cheapest bread possible
2. Cheap peanut butter
3. Fluff

A taste test ensued, which had me on the edge of my seat because Gillian had just send this to us from the other side of the world and what if they didn’t like it….?!

Tiny spoons were passed around, and Stu, Bob, and Kevin (again; Minion names, not their real names) each dipped theirs deep into the gooey vat of sticky, sticky deliciousness. Eyes widened and everyone got very quiet while they experienced their first taste of good old-fashioned American fluff.

The reviews were unanimous: marshmallow fluff is amazing. Bob looked up at his father and asked theatrically, in an Oscar-worthy performance, “Please, sir, may I have some more?”.

I told the boys I would text my sister and tell her that they liked the fluff. “NO!!” Kevin said emphatically. “Tell her Kevin LOVES THE FLUFF.” My sister’s reply was “Happy to be ruining teeth and diets worldwide!”.

Although no one has yet to graduate to an actual fluffernutter sandwich–the fluff on its own is just so good–Stu did try a spoon of fluff with a spoon of cheap peanut butter and declared that it was delicious.

The fluff has somehow made its way into every conversation topic in the past 24 hours, from “What does everyone reckon we have for dinner tonight?” (“FLUFF!!!!”), to “How was the swimming tournament at school today?” (“Can I have some fluff??”).

I will be sure to report back to all of you when the gang here has eventually graduated to a proper fluffernutter sandwich.

Gillian, you are the master of care packages and the best sister ever. ❤️

PS: I of course did a deep dive on marshmallow fluff. The Fluffernutter Sandwich was invented in Massachusetts in 1917 by a man named Archibald Query—!!! I’m curious to know if any of you knew this!

January 24, 2024January 24, 2024

Kiwi 🙎🏼‍♀️ vs. Kiwi 🥝 vs. Kiwi🪺

Note that it says “Kiwifruit,” not “Kiwi.”

When a New Zealander is referring to a “Kiwi,” they mean a fellow New Zealander.

When a Kiwi is referring to a kiwi as in the fruit, they say “kiwifruit.”

When a Kiwi is referring to a kiwi as in the bird, they say “kiwi bird.”

In the United States, we call someone from New Zealand a Kiwi, we call the fruit a kiwi, and we call the bird a kiwi. Just a generic, all-encompassing “kiwi.” It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about a human being, a fruit, or a bird: y’all are kiwis to us.

This explains the slight pause in conversation when I’m taking to a Kiwi and say something like “When’s kiwi season?”, “Where do you get the most delicious kiwis in town?”, or “Have you ever seen a kiwi? I understand they’re nocturnal, so you probably only see them out at night, right?”.

I’ve come to the realization that “kiwifruit” is to “American cheese” as “Kiwi” is to “American.” So it would be like a New Zealander coming to the States and asking “Who serves the best American around here?”, or “I reckon this sandwich would be good with an American melted on top, eh?”.

I am now overcompensating for my cultural missteps by going “Hi, hello, excuse me, are you sold out of kiwiFRUIT, kiwi THE FRUIT? Or was I just not seeing them? ‘Them’ being KIWI the FRUIT?”.

I’m totally nailing this cultural immersion thing. 👍🏼

January 21, 2024January 22, 2024

🎼”Bring Out The Best Foooooooods, Bring Out the Best!” 🎼

This may be the least interesting thing I ever post, but a lot of you were eager for me to blog about food and since I don’t cook and generally have little to no interest in food, this is the best I can do.

So I went into the grocery store to buy mayonnaise the other day. I know; hold on to your seats. This sounds like the beginning of an epic story.

But seriously, I went to the store to buy mayo the other day and I couldn’t find it. I looked next to the mustard and ketchup, because that’s where mayonnaise is, because all of those things go together. But not in New Zealand, apparently.

I literally looked everywhere in the store for mayonnaise before asking an employee for help. He directed me to the……

…salad dressings. (I apparently had not “literally looked everywhere in the store,” but why would mayonnaise be next to salad dressings).

And then there’s the slogan: “Bring Out the Best.” I grew up with the tv ad jingle for Hellman’s mayonnaise, which went “Bring Out the Hellmaaaaaaan’s, Bring Out the Best!“. Was Best Foods ripping off Hellman’s with not only identical labels, but identical slogans? The nerve of them. The absolute nerve.

That’s how I ended up down the internet rabbit hole of mayonnaise (that’s also how I just ended up writing the worst sentence I’ve ever come up with). I googled Hellman’s vs. Best Foods and found out that they were two separate brands: Hellman’s was started in 1913 in NYC by Kingdom of Prussia-born Richard Hellman; Best Foods was started sometime in the 1920s by California-based Postum Foods who seemed to be capitalizing off the wild success of Hellman’s.

In August of 1927, Postum Foods–later renamed Best Foods–bought Hellman’s. The products are nearly identical, though some claim that Best Foods is “tangier.” Because everyone west of the Rockies knew the mayo as “Best Foods” and everyone east of the Rockies knew it as “Hellman’s,” they decided to keep both brand names. In 2000, both brands were sold to the British company Unilever. To quote Wikipedia: “The Hellmann’s brand is sold in the United States east of the Rocky Mountains; Latin America; Europe; Australia; the Middle East; Canada; India, and Pakistan. The Best Foods brand is sold in the United States west of the Rocky Mountains; East Asia; Southeast Asia; Australia, and New Zealand.” (Yes, according to Wikipedia, Australia carries both brands. Aussie friends, please confirm or debunk this).

So there you go: the United States is culinarily-divided by two identical yet differently-named brands of mayonnaise and New Zealand grocery stores stock mayonnaise next to the salad dressings.

UPDATE. My wonderful friend Leah, a Kiwi living in Australia, immediately went to the nearest grocery store just to resolve the Best Foods-and/or-Hellman’s situation in Oz. She sent me this photo confirming that both brands indeed exist, side by side, on Aussie shelves. She added: “Did I go to the supermarket just for this photo? Yes. Did I then have to find something to buy just so I didn’t feel naughty or like I shoplifted? Also yes. ”

You’re a champion, Leah!

January 11, 2024January 11, 2024

The Cooking is Going Great So Far.

I hate cooking to begin with. May god have mercy.

January 10, 2024January 10, 2024

I’m sorry, your chutney is delicious on WHAT now………?

While I was doing the dishes the other day, I was admiring the beautiful rose from our garden that we’d put in an empty jar of Barker’s sundried tomato and olive chutney.

As I was rinsing off the plates, I idly read the label, which gave suggested uses for their (by the way, delicious) chutney.

Mix with cream for a pasta sauce: yum! Blend with olive oil for a salad dressing: brilliant! Use on an antipasto platter: great idea! Excellent base for pizza (yassss!) as well as an excellent base for…………..

MOUSETRAPS?! They’re actually suggesting–on the label, no less–that their excellent chutney is perfect to use on a mouse trap? That’s just about the most unappetizing suggestion I could possibly think of. My dream of using it as the base for a pizza immediately went out the kitchen window.

I took the jar over to Stu so that he, too, could experience the horror that was the marketing fail of the Barker’s chutney company.

I did not get the reaction I was expecting. There was a brief pause while he tried to figure out why the idea of using chutney on a mouse trap was so disgusting, and then went “Oh! Do you not have mousetrap sandwiches in the States?”.

No; no we do not.*

According to Google, “mousetraps” were originally a British thing but have since been mostly commandeered by Kiwis. To make a traditional mousetrap, you take two slices of sourdough bread and lather them up with Vegemite, butter, and cheddar cheese and then grill or press it. It’s like a grilled cheese gone horrible awry.

Things like this happen constantly in my new New Zealand life. Just this morning, I told Stu I was going to lie out in the sun in the back yard this afternoon and he said “You should use the squabs off the porch!”

Squabs………squabs…….you can figure this out, Hilary.

I did not figure it out.

Squabs are cushions used to give a softer feel to chairs, usually outdoor ones like patio furniture.

And mousetraps are dubious-sounding sandwiches which, according to Barker’s, are very tasty with their sundried tomato and olive chutney.

Me trying to figure out what “squabs” were.

*Let me amend this: when I say “We do not have mousetrap sandwiches in the States,” what I’m really saying is “I, personally, as someone who grew up in Massachusetts, have never heard of a mousetrap sandwich.” Whenever someone here asks if we have ______ in the States, I always, every single time, say “Well, *I’ve* never heard of it, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have it.” Because the United States is huge and kinda feels like it’s a bunch of different countries under one name. So I do realize I may get a few comments saying that someone grew up in Kansas and that mousetrap sandwiches are a staple of the American Midwest. When asked a question about the U.S., I always clarify that I am not speaking for all of us.